I've never felt like I fit in with anybody. it doesn't matter who it is. a large group of people, or a few. I just don't feel like a part of something bigger, something whole. and it's not because I'm special, unique, an oddball. I feel like after over 100 billion people that have ever lived, my entire life has probably happened before, just in a different body and time. maybe some people just weren't meant to be part of this bigger thing whatever it may be.
there are many people whose blogs are centred around beauty/lifestyle like a self-published fashion magazine, or they post about their daily lives, family, etc. some people just post the things they create like poetry or photography.
I am not really sure what I want to do with my blog yet. it feels good to have my own space on the internet but there's nothing in particular that I want to do with it.
On another note I am looking to buy a pair of colour contact lenses because I like the look, but I am far-sighted(hyperopia) and, to make matters worse, my right eye is plano. So, the cheapest pair I can get to fit my needs is $40 not including shipping + handling, and they're also the yearly lenses that turn your eye into a barren desert wastland by sucking all of the moisture out. here is something amusing yet sad:
I dream of being like Anne Frank, or Anaïs Nin, how their diaries were famously known and read even decades after their deaths. But of course I don't want to experience the terrifying prospect of war like Anne, or the STD-ridden scandals of Anaïs. There's a price to pay for safety and that's boredom. So I think my diary would just get laughed at.
A girl's diary is filled with her secrets, yet theirs were published and translated into different tongues for all the world to absorb. I think that the closest I could get to that would be to publish my diary myself. Privacy in the 21st century is a joke. I have no secrets. I am baring it all here.
I've always thought that keeping a diary is too self-indulgent. Even now, I feel disgusting writing this.
I picked a pretty blog theme to distract from the subpar content.
i m sad again but I thought I was getting better? the human brain works in weird ways
photo taken from Korean Students Speak
I've thought for a bit about what I consider to be a friend. It's not like there is some clearly drawn out line defining what is friend what is lover what is acquaintance what is a confidant what is a stranger? and there are many more things in life that are even more unclear, even more loosely understood. words can only reach for, can barely grasp these abstract things. the nuances of human relationships are impossible to compass entirely using language, visual, whatever. take for example this page I just found with a quick google search looking for types of relationships.
when I came across the above photo on Korean Students Speak, it sparked even more thought. if we were to befriend a carbon copy of ourselves, would we enjoy the friendship? would we become the best of friends? or would we despise each other, would a rivalry form?
this is a common thing people think about with romantic relationships. the whole thing about being in love with yourself, the "opposites attract" thing. it's commonly believed that you'd get bored in a relationship with yourself, run out of things to talk about, have nothing to "discover" about each other because you both already know everything there is to know.
but of course you'd look for something different in a friendship than a romantic relationship? i personally love a low maintenance friendship, as someone that can't go out too much, can't respond to too many texts, can't spend too many hours chatting before losing my mind. i love the kind of friendship that i don't need to tend to constantly as one would with a baby, but you still know that the loyalty exists and it's mutual. it's strong.
so maybe this doesn't make sense but i'd give it a shot, being friends with myself. i sometimes feel like i'm too picky in choosing my friends, leaving me with almost none at the end of the day. but surely that's a good thing? quantity over quality? it just leaves me feeling a little stranded. a little alone.
hopefully, as with all turmoil i've experienced in my short life, i'll find out a solution soon and look back wondering what i was ever worrying about.
although I've been using hatena for a pretty long time to document things (not on this page) I'm still unsure about how I feel about it as a platform. It's a little clunky and hard to navigate cuz not fully translated and I can't read japanese but also there are pretty much no english speaking users. I like the simplicity of it though and that I can embed things from a lot of different websites
I also don't really like the default mobile layout and also that you can't change it. but it's the best "blogging" platform that I know of because it has an app and everything's kinda straightforward dunno what I really mean by that but it's good.
Blogger/blogspot used to have an app but it kinda just disappeared. also it's owned by Google and they have a bad rep of dropping services randomly so I doubt it's going to stay for long. it's pretty defunct as it is now actually. I remember making fucking club penguin cheats blogs and acting so cool like I had a website or whatever when really I was like 10 and should have been supervised a lot stricter on the internet.
Tumblr is also a pretty big option. I think most people have chosen it, but I don't really like it as a "blogging" (hate that word) platform because of the general reputation that Tumblr has gathered on the internet, and I'm not fond of the whole resharing feature that it has. It's skewed further towards a social media thing especially recently because last time I checked you can now reply on posts instead of like manually resharing and adding a comment and it's like eh, I'm here to write random shit not to make friends.
Wow I just wrote a lot of bullshit about blogging but it's like it shouldnt be that hard to find a place where I can just write shit and enjoy myself. Blogging is just not that big anymore because who the fuck is gonna take the time to scroll through and read your blog when they can go to your twitter or something. There's not a lot of demand for it.
anyway I would've written this more sophisticatedly but i Really don't care and I can edit it whatevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
starting a blog and telling nobody about it is surreal. it's like shouting into the void, except it's inhabited by search engines and occasional human readers. i'd like to time travel into the middle ages to run up and shake the shoulders of some innocent civilian- "in the future you can put anything on display for anybody to see!!!"